When I found out that my cat had cancer I was standing in the middle of "Forever 21" at the Domain. It was the day before Thanksgiving and all I could do is stand frozen in the store and nod my head at my cellphone. Tears welled up in my eyes, just like they are now. A week later they told us it was inoperable. She would have 4 maybe 5 months as it had already spread into her lungs.

Over 13 years ago I was 26 and fresh out of a bad romantic relationship that was abusive on many levels. I was, for the first time in a long time, making a "go at it" on my own. I just needed to start over - a reset, do over, fresh start, etc etc. Who knows what drew me to Petco, but something did and I ended up walking away with a 6 month old kitten. I use to say she was a mutt because she was just a plain black kitty. There wasn't one speck of white on her at all. She was there with her kitty sister who was also solid black. The rescue group had named them Venus and Serena. Not sure which one I got but her name was changed to Lainie. She was named after Elaine from "Seinfeld." I remember the lady who gave me Lainie crying as she let her go. She must have known I got the best one.

Lainie was so patient with me. I was markedly more selfish than I am now and I wanted a animal "to love me" much like many immature humans do with human children. I felt so unlovable at that time, surely this was the answer. There were a few times I felt like a bad cat mom. In the end I feel so fortunate that she never got fed up with me and ran off. Three years later Colin (a self-proclaimed dog person) made his way into both of our lives and saved us from ourselves.

Lainie made it through 5 different moves/homes. At one point she was confined to one room because I was in between places to live. Luckily Colin, either in love with me or Lainie, offered to house her at his bachelor pad (so actually, make that 6 homes!) until things with me were settled house wise. What a sucker he was - just a few months later the 3 of us moved into our first home together. :)

I have many pictures of Lainie just staring at Colin, in love. Every night before going to bed she would follow him and crawl up on his chest so that she was 1.5" (or less) from his face and just purr and purr and stare and stare. She loved him hard. Usually she'd make her way to my side of the bed to sleep right between my knees so that I was sure to be overly hot and uncomfortable because I didn't want to disturb her sleep. I remember waking up so irritated that, already a poor sleeper, I was being even more interrupted. After she was diagnosed with "the cancer" she started sleeping on the couch and not as often with us in the bed.

Over Christmas one of my nieces asked about Lainie and how she was doing. I remember feeling very numb because although she's eating, pooping/peeing, and playing like a kitten at times, "No, she won't get better, she can't get better, only worse." is all I could say. Things can only get worse....and that's where you lose me. There's no maybe, it's actually definitive. She has a diagnosis, it's inoperable, it's spread, she doesn't have long. All the vet can offer is look for rapid breathing or when her tumor breaks the skin. That's when we will decide. She can't tell us she feels bad, she can't say what hurts - she has cancer that's spreading, but look at her running around like a kitten. I can't thank Angie Pennington enough for the very wise quote (from Cesar Milan) that "Animals live in the moment." Right now she feels great - give her that. So many times I break down in private - the smallest things setting me off. Again....being selfish. I also know that I'll see my husband sad and I won't have the words to make him feel better, either.

When I sat down I had a lot of things to say and tell and when it came down to it, I believe that Lainie represents a lot of past and current love. She helped me feel real love when I adopted her - something I had forgotten existed and through her and Colin, it was proven.

2/25/14 Updated - I wrote the start of this a few weeks ago as a way to work out some feelings and my hope is to visit it when I need comfort in the future. I couldn't finish because I was crying too hard to see the keyboard, but it deserved closure. Within the months of her diagnoses she developed more tumors and shortness of breath. Although she tried to play with her beloved shoe string, seeming to be stoic for us, she couldn't do it for more than a few seconds. Yesterday we let Lainie go. I knew that I would hurt emotionally but I wasn't prepared for the aches in my whole body, crying in my sleep and waking up lost. It's more painful than I'd ever imagine. Please don't say it was "for the best." I know it. Being my first and only child, my heartache almost seems too much to handle. I'm so thankful to Colin and Oliver Animal Hospital, Dr. Moore and her staff. I know there are greater tragedies in the world, but I never imagined when I adopted Lainie that she wouldn't live forever. Once again, Angie Pennington came through with the thoughtful words to Lainie (in person) "Don't be scared, Gringo and Bono will be there to take care of you." Those are their cats who've already passed on.

I'm thankful for the last couple freezing months and snow days. It gave me a chance to really snuggle her and for Colin to build fires just for her as we gave her the heating pad on the couch where she'd spend most of her last few days. The night before we put her down she slept with me one more time between me and the edge of the bed. I scooted way down so I could sleep with one hand on her. I felt her struggling with every breath. I felt helpless, the way it must feel when your child is sick, cannot tell you what's wrong and there's nothing you can do about it. I actually hoped that she'd pass peacefully in her sleep so that we wouldn't have to make the terrible decision that we did. I believe she knows she was loved until the very end.

The National "About Today"

Today You Were Far Away.

Dear Mrs. McCormick,